Harsh words hurt everyone

I was reminded yesterday of the entire subject of anger and Caregiving. It's not one we like to dwell on but it is worth shining a light on.
I was speaking with a Caregiver who's taken care of his father, then his mother and now his sister with bi-polar disorder. Back when he was watching his mother care for his father he would get upset with her style of dealing with her husband. He had dementia and she was in denial. She thought that her husband was upsetting her on purpose and basically just needed to snap out of it. Her husband would have days of absolute clarity so this made things even worse. She was sure he just needed to try harder.
As their son told me this story he described fighting with his mother about how she was treating the dad. He felt she wasn't really absorbing how serious this all was and that the father probably wasn't going to be getting better.
One day as their voices were raising the Dad chimed in that he would be good and they didn't need to fight. The son realized that his dad was blaming himself for their upset and was trying to fix things as best he could. He went down to the basement and cried his eyes out. From that day on, no matter what his opinion of his mother's style of Caregiving was, he never raised his voice again.
We need to remember that anger hurts everyone in earshot, children, pets, each other. It's important to get help or find another way if this becomes a constant pattern in our Caregiving. We want to do a good job and be proud of how we are treating our loved ones. This should be our guide.

Daffodils in the mud

Imagine waiting an entire year to bloom and then a rain storm weighs down your petals. Instead of announcing spring, the daffodils' lovely yellow petals are stuck in the mud.
Often couples have waited a lifetime to retire. When an illness comes along,instead of walking on a sandy beach or taking an art course at the local museum, a newly recruited Family Caregiver is now sitting by a loved one's bedside or in a doctor's waiting room. Just like the daffodil, Caregivers need a nice "gardner" to come along and shake off the heavy weight of some of their burdens.
Helping their loved one stay at home is one of the most helpful things a community can do for a Family Caregiver. Here's a great program that's been a model for the rest of the country.

Quieting the clutter of technology

As Caregivers, we need to stop reacting to the massive amounts of clutter in our daily path so that we can think, reflect, plan, initiate and see the big picture. This radio show "On Being" talks about how we can start making good choices around our technologies and start putting some devices aside in order to contemplate our journey.
We especially need to exam why we are even too plugged in to read this post or listen to this radio show!! Hee,hee!

For the families living with the effects of autism

This week they are running a special focus on Autism on WPIX. Lots of great info. and yes there is much yet to do. Getting information out to you, the Family Caregivers, seems to be a priority. Caregiver Access will try to help in any way we can.
On a personal note, my drummer friend Eric Katz is involved with the song "Light it up Blue" that they sang on Friday's show. The kids are adorable.

I can't believe I've done it again!

10 years ago someone told me that you shouldn't stand on the soil in your garden. It is a living, breathing entity and doesn't like to be squashed. So my solution has been to put a board down that is the entire length of the garden. I stand on that as I plant and weed.
This idea works for the later summer but each spring several of my tulips are trapped underneath the board and they don't get any light. When I finally remember to lift the board I am greeted with a sorry sight. The tulip leaves are a bright yellow and all spindly. It's like the life has been choked out of them.
So what does this have to do with Family Caregivers?
We all need light and air or we'll shrivel up just like my tulips. We also need someone to lift the board off of us to lighten our burden. That's what Caregiver Access will be doing for you over the next few months. Stay tuned!